Family – Memory Leak

Quote — “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
– Ferris Bueller, Dr Richard Chambers. “

Nothing really prepares you for a child leaving home for college. It’s an emotional experience for the entire family. Regardless of the squabbles and petty irritations, family is family. Invisible, deep bonds are created that are hard to explain until that person isn’t around anymore. In the case of our kids, those bonds have been forming since they came home from the hospital and strengthened with every experience together.

The internet gophers tell me that parents will spend 70-90% of their time with their kids before their kids turn 18. That seems likes one of those internet facts that float around as true but its unclear what real data supports it. Regardless, this feels very true for me. After I left for college, I never returned to the area my parents lived and came back infrequently only for holidays.

I went the University of Richmond in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond is about 410 miles from our then home in Connecticut. The drive can take about 6 hours depending on traffic with the exception of one trip back to school one fateful Sunday after Thanksgiving where it took me 18 hours. I thought it was a good idea to stop in Manhattan and Washington DC to drop off many sister and a buddy. What a horrible drive.

This past weekend we brought my older daughter to college in Boston, Massachusetts. Or, 2341 miles from our home in Utah. The two weeks before I left for college was chaos. I was excited to go to college but sad to say goodbye to my friends and family. Packing was the least of my concerns behind making sure to say goodbye to everyone that I could. Molly and I had similar experiences as I was up until midnight helping her pack. Four massive 50+ pound bags later, she was packed. I’m sad to see Molly go but thrilled at this new chapter. Her future is so bright and we couldn’t be more proud of her.

What advice do I have for Molly as she heads to college?

Find your joy and smile. Life is short. Enjoy it.
Make a dent in the universe. It’s waiting for you to make your mark.
Take risks. Don’t let overthinking or public perception stop you from taking a swing.
Work hard. There are no hacks around hard work.
Avoid victimhood mentality. Work your way through problems.
Take care of yourself. No one else is going to.
Enjoy the moment. It’s right in front of you.
Trust the universe. You’ll connect the dots when you’re old. The ups and downs all add up in the end.

We will miss you Molly. Enjoy your time in college and make smart decisions! As I write this on the plane ride back from Boston, my heart is heavy thinking that Molly’s bedroom will be empty when we get home.

The family and I will be frequent fliers between Salt Lake City and Boston over the next few years. If you see a slightly overweight middle aged Filipino man in an MIT Women’s Soccer hat on, its probably me. Say hi!

By the way, go MIT Women’s Soccer!

Thanks for reading.

-rjm

Happy belated Father’s Day 2024.

A few years back, my younger daughter Brooklyn came home from school and asked me what “thats what she said” jokes were. She was probably 10 years old at the time. I giggled on the inside and said “Never heard of ’em” trying to avoid the topic. I guess some smarty pants at school had watched enough episodes of The Office without his/her parents supervision and these jokes became something of sideshow during class.

Brooklyn was not satisfied with my response and then asked my wife Sarah what these jokes were all about — to which, Sarah asked me if I could explain. Apparently, she didn’t know what those jokes were either. Facepalm. How do I get out of this predicament?

I gave Sarah “big eyes” and politely changed the topic. I went for the the nuclear weapon of child topic changes, “When should we go back to Disney World?”

<pause>

Brooklyn was not satisfied. In protest, Brooklyn decided to say “thats what she said” after everything followed by “did that work?” hoping to discover its true meaning. This proved very annoying and sometimes very funny. I asked Brooklyn nicely who was the fine young boy/girl that was sharing such jokes at school so that I could thank his parents. I promised I wouldn’t do anything with the information. Brooklyn leaned in and said quietly whispered in my ear, “thats what she said”.

Nothing really prepares you for parenthood or to become a dad. There are 100’s of parenting books out there trying to educate fearful parents on the perils ahead. Some are aptly named —

Once you get into it, parenting feels natural but awkward at the same time. Like going to Costco but forgetting to wear pants. Mother nature dials in enough parenting in our DNA and then the rest parents just need to figure out. I find it fascinating that the parenting formula feels different for every kid. Two kids with the same parents, raised in the same households can be entirely different people when they grow up. Two kids, raised in totally different socio economic households can be entirely different people when they grow up and not necessarily with the lives you might expect. There is a randomness to the variables involved in the equation. Thats probably why there are so many different parenting books with contradicting viewpoints.

Sarah and I had a few pillars we always drove home with the kids –

Find your passion — Find the things that creates a fire in your belly every morning.
Work hard — Enjoy the grind. There are no life hacks around just getting the reps in.
Have a growth mindset — Setbacks are growth.
Trust the universe — The pieces come together when you look back but never looking forward.

Molly and Brooklyn have big milestones this year. Molly graduated from high school. She will be attending MIT in the Fall and playing on the MIT Women’s Soccer team. She hopes to study Chemical-Biological Engineering + Business. Brooklyn graduated from 8th grade and will be attending Park City High School. She will be focused on academics, basketball (as a point guard) and soccer (as a goalie). Same parents, same household, two very different kids. Molly is like her mom. Brooklyn is more like me. Both are absolutely the two most amazing two girls a parent could ask for.