Little Known Self Driving Car Features

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There is so much talk right now of self driving cars a la the Jetsons or Total Recall. Tesla, Apple, GE/Lyft, and Google are all piling on in the news.  It’s all very interesting — but I do imagine a bunch of slow ass cars crashing into each other in the beginning.  But more importantly, as a software programmer — I’m intrigued by features that will be built for the self driving car as the technology matures.  I wonder what those could be …

  • “Back seat driving mode” — passenger can yell criticisms about its driving and the car will then respond “Would you rather drive?”
  • “Zone out mode” — car will day dream and have absolutely no idea how it got to its destination.
  • “Filipino Mom Driving Mode” — jerky driving with frequent unplanned stops at yard sales, Walmart’s or Chinese Buffets.  Will also travel so close to the car in front of them as to be able to to invite them to dinner.
  • Preprogrammed responses to Police Officers when caught speeding — a la “I didn’t know how fast I was going.” or “My other auto driving car is pregnant.” or “My my, you are very handsome.”
  • “Teenage driving loop” – No real destination other than driving up and down the street with increased music volumes. Loop will be determined by leading car with passengers of the opposite sex.
  • “Inability to merge mode” (only available in Seattle cars and required by the state of Washington) — highway on ramps will be complete nightmares as cars will stack up as cars will just stop thinking that’s a wise way to “merge”
  • “Late for Anniversary Dinner Mode” — will run 50 mph over regulated speed limits with frequent lane changes. Optional to include stop at Jared’s for a gift.
  • “LSD Mode” — will drive on the highway at 15 mph but think it’s going 85 mph
  • “Low gas mode” — will take the car as close to possible to running out of gas and will calculate walking distances to a gas station to freak out passengers
  • “Kid mode” — devices, snacks and live clown will be deployed to the back seat with the kids. Optionally, 20 questions game will available where the computer might pick obscure items like “dirt”, “needle” and my imaginary friend “stu” who I’ve never talked to you about.
  • “Auto car lock and protection mode” — when entering a socio-economic area different from the owner, car doors will lock and an arm will secure closest available purse.
  • “Moving a mattress mode” — single arm will deploy out window to secure bulky item on roof.  Highway travel is required for this mode but at far reduced speeds.

Here’s to the future!  As scary as it might be!

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